had lucid dreams of my own death for a week. i’d wake up still being able to hear the aftermath.
though it was my head sorting itself out or something, because I felt a little better for a bit.
hear his voice and all i feel is pure love and it ruins me.
just the old blood
rising up through the wooden floor again
just the old love
asking for more again
tonight is cold.
it’s wet and it feels like late summer. the cold feels bitter because your skin still remembers what it feels like to be warm.
when i got into hannah’s car tonight, it smelled like strawberries and smoke. it was warm and familiar and i never get to feel that with her. she was listening to songs that i liked in 2012.
i’d left the house because i’m having trouble coping with how detached i feel from steve, and the burst of nostalgia i got from getting coffee with her wrecked me.
there’s a vivid memory that i have of her picking me up at work at midnight, it was late august, and griffin seemed like a new and good thing for me. the fall was comin’, i was hopful, i’d made big decisions, and i felt so good.
everything nice that’s ever happened with him has come out of weather like this, and i’m hurtin.
i shouldn’t have tried to talk to him, i feel very far away…
and the fact that he’s making a conscious effort to stay far away fucking wrecks me.
i feel very bad.
i don’t want these things anymore.
i want to leave, but im afraid of loss.
i want to be my own thing, i want to be self sufficient.
i want to forget about griffin because he’s my rut, and it’s pointless to keep trying.
i want a fucking place to live and a space that is mine,
i want 100% of things to be different.
how do i do it?
i’m not foolin anyone
i can’t do this anymore
giving up on it just left huge void.
it almost felt better being sad about him all the time.
i feel no love and that feels inhuman.
heart deflated, can’t float no more.
this spring feels like fall, and you can feel the memory of warmth in the cool air at night. it kills me.