to ease up.
for me and for him.
i’m not doing badly, please let him see that.
i’m trying, i’m trying so hard.
he’s not a perfect thing but i want him to be good, and i want him to see me as a thing that is constant and reliable and loving instead of just a problem.
i’m trying, but i’m slow at doing, and he can’t see the little stuff i’m trying toward.
it’s almost worth the breakdown for the like 4 following euphoric days that follow every single time, i’m doin’ so good tonight.
livin in hopes of attaining empty love and halfhearted dreams
what is there to keep me going
you always talk in circles.
i’m still on the bottom.
i think that the only problem there is with my sex drive is that i’m actually just gay.
it’s just confusing because i love some guys, and don’t really like being around women.
very big disconnect between what i get emotionally attached to and what i actually want to be with.
i thought that maybe i just wasn’t into women anymore, because i’ve spent the past 4 or 5 years being very consumed by platonic love, but that’s starting to disappear and i’m left with what’s true, and it’s weird for me.
what do i do with that?
it’s hard for me to keep up with everything.
everything conflicts, you know that.
everything is heads butting and horns locking.
it’s easy to lose myself in the warmth of what’s familiar.
not in a way that’s good, in a way that’s utterly empty.
disenchanted and bored.
i feel like i’m trying really, really hard to hold onto the bonds that i have with them, but they’re starting to ghost.
i’m nostalgic for memories I’ve made up.
I’m nostalgic for the coolness of mid april
for newness and hopefulness
for your voice on the other end of a big yellow sunset & the revelation of new life in it’s light.
the taste of a sour plum, exhaustion, lace, and new love.
(that’s when this is from i think.)
everything’s working out really strangely.
everything is very slow and traveling very low to the ground.
i don’t know if that makes sense, but everything seems much larger than i am but like it’s gentle and trying to keep up to speed with me. everything is letting me be as wrong as i want, except for one thing, and that’s the thing that makes me most sad…
everything is working but it’s all in vain, because nothing is working right.